Companionship’s Five Practices, Part 4: Listening

By Rev. Mark Stephenson 

Executive Director, Pathways to Promise

I read once that opening your phone when you wake up is like inviting 100 people into your bedroom to shout at you. All around us, all the time, people want our attention, and they will give us their attention at a price. The price to us might be financial, or “personalized advertising,” or believing someone else’s lies or propaganda. We humans are wired for community with others, but we need others to hear us deeply, without judgment, and without paying a price.

In today’s culture, we give another person a pearl of great price when we listen to them fully, completely, non-judgmentally. As the fourth practice of Companionship, Craig Rennebohn writes: “The heart practice of companionship is listening. . . . Everybody has a story, and nearly all are willing to tell their story to a courteous and compassionate listener. People will tell their story in different ways, however they are capable of telling it.” (The Way of Companionship, pp.

30-31.)

Though everyone’s story includes their past and present, as well as their thoughts, hopes, and fears about the future, usually people prefer beginning in the present. Craig suggests starting a conversation in the present with questions like, “How are things going?” or “What’s happening?” He encourages companions to allow the other person to tell their story as they choose to tell it. “Avoid pushing the story in any direction that might seem too personal or painful for the other person. Be alert for signs of discomfort—an expression on the face or a silence in response to a question.” (The Way of Companionship, p. 31.)

As we listen for themes and feelings, we also listen to ourselves, to memories and feelings the other’s comments evoke in us. Through that self-awareness, we can better direct our attention fully to the other with empathy, so that we don’t redirect the focus of the conversation to ourselves.

In the language of companionship, we listen for the other person’s “soul story.” We listen for how they make sense of their journey. We listen for how they understand their identity and their future. We listen for whom they believe they can count on. Listening in this way is a great gift in itself, and our devoted attention to the person we are companioning can help us discern next steps in supporting them.